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....Or else it would stop. - Dara O'Briain.
I love the never ending religion debate. Is God real? There is no proof so he can't be real. God is the opium of the people etc etc.
People are always knocking religion down because it has no evidence, no proof and it never does anything to help itself when it comes to these classic arguments. But I don't think we have religion to prove anything, I think it's a comfort. I think people have the wrong idea of religion. The idea of dying and not really knowing what lies beyond the great divide can be a daunting thought for some.
And it's something science can't answer for us.
2000 years ago, what did people have to explain what created them? Nothing. So they make up stories, so while this may prove that religion is a giant fraudulent story book, it also shows that religion isn't there as a concrete theory. Whenever a scientific theory is proven wrong, people move on and accept the new proven theory. Religion has issues with this because of all the people is has control over.
But in its humblest form its merely a medium to fill in the gaps.
I remember one of my ethics teachers brought in a magazine once where one person had written an article on how some scientists agreed that science doesn't have all the answer to everything and that religion is necessary to fill in all the gaps that science can't, and may not for many years.
I wish I had noted that down back in my AS's. Sadly, I didn't.
Life is full of regrets.
But I suppose my point is:
religion is a gap filler, its message is meant to be one of hope and comfort rather than the answers to the meaning of life. Even I find death scary.
I have this crazy fantasy to be a writer one day, just like my uncle.
well, I have always wanted to be a writer but my uncle (who is one) has always since inspired me to want to do it myself. But I have never, ever, had the discipline to finish anything.
And now I am starting to wonder, I have always wanted to write stories with meanings, a philosophy or a moral - but a general theme that makes you think about yourself. A lot like Murakami.
I just read my uncles blog, and laughed at it as well, and it hit me that he is a short story writer. I look at all these ideas I have and none of them are long long plots. I don't want to drag out a story just for the say so, I want to it to a be a burst of meaning and life.
And if I drag one out, it'll become weak and whimsical.
What I am trying to say, is just by chance, I reminded myself why I have always admired my uncle and I am thus learning what type of writer I might end up to be.
Sometimes in life we all make decisions that we sure will benefit us, however, often to those decisions there is a big down side. What matter is if we think the choices we make are worth the downside.
I am taking a year out of university to solve my anxiety disorder. My dad, as a result, has kicked me out the house & disowned me because he thinks I am a quitter. I am currently staying at my bf's house.
Do I think it was worth it?
Yes.
Yes it was.
It's funny what weird forms anxiety attacks can take. Sometimes create extreme nausea, sometimes dizziness, sometimes uncontrollable hyperventilating, sometimes a feeling of a heart attack and sometimes just random outbursts of moods and crying.
For me it's all, except for the heart attack feeling. It never fails to hit me how life consuming it can be. The simplest of task is rendered impossible for me. Things such as sitting in a 2 hour lecture or trying out something different for the first time.
It's hard for me to do things that are out of my 'norm' or my comfort-zone. I hate change and changing. I feel tense and uncomfortable and as I fail to find comforts I fall further and further into despair.
But what causes most of these attacks, my phobia of vomiting. It's the reason I have attacks and university and can't make it to my lecture. My mind is racing with hypothetical disasters such as: what if I am sick in the lecture? What if I can't get out? What if I am ill on the way home?
The unfamiliar surroundings only make this problem worse. And recently it's been bad. Even as I type this I am meant to be in a lecture, and I am frantically writing down notes from e-articles to show my parents so they think I turned up, and to make myself feel better.
But it never fails to astound me how anxiety can really control someones life. It's the fight or flight response. Sometimes I feel stupid for making a mountain out of this molehill, but whenever I have attacks I am delightfully reminded of how bad they can be and how little I can cope.
Remember kiddies, its only a disorder when it interferes with everyday life.
I am off to see a therapist in the week. He also hypnotises people apparently. My anxiety has reached such a level where I randomly burst into fits of tears for no reason and I can't make it to university without immense nausea. My mom is worried, my boyfriend is worried, my dad isn't worried because I don't think he knows about it. I am just tired of doing nothing about it. I am tired of being consumed by simple, common fears.
I am quite excited because maybe, at last, I can finally do something about my anxiety disorder. Maybe I can cope with it better than what I have done the past two years, maybe I can get rid of this damn fear of being sick. That and I want to see what it is like to be hypnotised. If I am that is.
A customer came into work tonight, he apparently waited 32 minutes (yes he counted the minutes) for his meal and had a go at me about it. I burst into tears when I wandered back into the kitchen and I just couldn't stop. It's been like this all week, I'll cry over the tiniest things and then I can't stop myself at all.
It's tiring.
On another note, I have been watching Scrubs a lot this week. I am up to series four, I feel proud with the hours of dedication I have put into the series. And the more I watch it, the more I find myself desiring to narrate my own life. JD is just so adorable c:
and he has cool hair.
I was standing at the train station today, with my DS playing pokemon and trying to train the damn things up, when a random thought crossed my mind.
Looking back on it, I can't remember what triggered this line of thought. But I was thinking about the media and the effect is has on us. I think it was the fact I was at a train station and trains are crap and the media never stops moaning about train delays.
Anyway, Media. Me. Me. Media.
I was wondering, how can we tell the difference between the good guys and the bad guys with the media? Like I said, the trains and general British public transport is shit, and the media never stops moaning about it. Its like a whining old woman.
At times like the, the government is all but at fault. They can't do anything right. It always seems that the media is looking out for the little guy. If its not the government, they're moaning at some other corporation for picking on us normal/ordinary folks.
For instance, back at the trains again - a few weeks ago Birmingham New Street stopped calling out train times above the platforms as it was deemed obtrusive. But now blind and partially blind members of our society are complaining that they can;t find their trains because they can't read the times for obvious reasons. The media was there like superman.
And yet, there are other times when the media can't do anything but stick up for the big guys. Like when people protest against the building of a new runway at an airport and all of a sudden they are health hazards, what they are doing is wrong.
And as I stood at the train station with my DS and my pokemonz I looked around at all the busy bustling people around me; businessmen & women, kids, teenagers, students, pensioners - how do any of us know what we really want or think? Without the media to spoon feed us who the bad and good guy is depending on how the editor feels, who would we see as the bad guy?
Would we see Obama as such a hope if the media hadn't told us to feel like that?
Would we hate Gordon Brown if the media told us all of the good things he is doing, not just the bad things?
We only ever listen to what we are told. And that is scary.
The media is unstable and takes whatever side it wishes - the little guy or the bully.
Whatever we do could be deemed as wrong if the media wishes and everyone else would agree.
scary.
Why, hello. My name is Alexandra. You can call me Alex, Lexie, Lex, 'Andra or Alexski - as that is my nickname.
However, the odds are you will never call me any of those things because what are the odds of us meeting? Or at least conversing to a informal level, if it is a formal conversation then call me Miss M. as that sounds rather mysterious and sounds like some form of sneaky spy meeting name that I will use when I phone you up at your workplace and to tell you to meet me in the middle of Moscow in a small cafe and talk about international issues over coffee or tea or Russian variations of.
Okay, well - the boring stuff now, nothing to do with spies or Russia. I am 19, I live in England,& I am a girl. I am not magical, fantasy-ical, divine or in possession of a wand, although my height would make you think I have hairy feet (get it?). I am a history student at the University of Wolverhampton. It doesn't compare to Hogwarts, for a start my lecturers don't wear pointy hats, not even dunce once (although a fair few should - or at least boring ones) and there aren't any floating candles. Broomsticks will be found in the cleaners cupboard but they won't fly.
I have two huskies, one bitch called Tali & one boy calle Finnbar. They sleep on the floor and eat my leftovers and howl at my mom for walks. Great alarm clocks.
I have a boyfriend who is a big pillow of support for me. His name is blank and lives at blank street and is 37 years old. Yes, he is 18 years older than me. Oh big wow. We've been together 5 months and I have adopted his fat cat, because his cat isn't gay and loves me for I am a woman with epic breasts - so his male cat, who is fat, loves me.
I am a closet weaboo. I love Japan, I just have this amazing thing call self-control where I find myself very able to not have to talk about it constantly and rant about how aMaZiNg Naruto is. I want to go there, live there, eat there, have sex there and meet a Geisha there. I much prefer the traditional Japan over this contemporary weirdness.I mean, Ganguro - wtf is that?
Anyway, I am sure you don't want me to ramble on forever, like an old woman.
Now, go take your Russian tea and take these files with you. Don't tell anyone we ever met. Don't tell anyone we were ever here. I hope you understand the importance of this mission, Tsar Nicholas II is relying on you.
Farewell and good luck
Miss M.
x
